Run toward the future, learn from the past

It's been a long time since i last wrote and much shit has done down. some good, some bad. To get the ball rolling... on Oct 8 2008, i broke up with ben. That was 7 years, 9 months, and one day since we started dating. Hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life, for a few reasons.

First, to stand up to ben and tell him "this is what i want, i don't care if you don't want it". that was hard, being the controlling and manipulative sort of person he is. Second, i really do care about him, love him as a fellow human being... i hated to hurt him- which is one of the reasons i had to break up with him. Third, while the couples psychologist we were seeing was able to help with the surface issues; how to live together in a civil way. We were not, however, getting to the real root issues- one of them being "do i really want to be with him even without the problems".

I don't know if ben had any doubts in his mind about the relationship. He always painted a bright optimistic picture, except for when he wanted attention. I, on the other hand, had thoughts surrounding as to if i wanted to be with Ben for the long term, if i wanted to get into long term commitments with him (car loans, mortgage, cat, marriage, children). Usually, my answer was "no" nor "yes, because he wants to but i'm too weak to speak up". Spinelessly, cowardly weak on my part over all of those years. I can blame it on the mental issues i suffered, but ultimately, it was on me.

I'm not entirely to fault. My horrific lack of communication did no favors to the relationship or my unconsciously sabotaging by not being open and direct, however, ben's inability to make me his top priority, even in times of crisis, just shows that he is selfish to the point of only caring for himself. There is a lot to be said about taking care of #1 (yourself), but when your partner needs you, you need to be there for your partner. and you need to feel that your partner will be there for you- anytime.

Ben just seemed to lack the capacity to provide that to me. I, on the other hand, felt that was a core piece of a strong relationship and I need- no, deserve- to have a partner who i can depend to be there for me, to lean on, to listen to me, to make me their top priority (within reason). And I want to do all of that for them too. It must be reciprocal. I'm not making any judgement as to whether that is right or wrong. It's just who he is, and it's who I am. My expectations of a relationship greatly differ from his. And i need something more.

I have learned that I do have the capacity to be open, honest, and transparent... but just not with Ben. There is something about him which make me feel uncomfortable and unable to open my mind and heart to. On the other hand, I've seen him be there for people, give them attention, and not be overly selfish... just that it was not with me. So I know he has the capacity and I hope he can find someone who he is willing and able to do that for.

I had been thinking of breaking up with ben for years. Most of the thought, I suppressed, telling myself the thoughts were just "cold feet", over analysation and should be purged from my mind. However, over the past year, i have been having the thoughts more frequent and in depth, For instance, I had fully devised a break up plan. How i would do it, how to split the money and household items. I was ready, i just needed the confidence to do it.

this past year has been a tremendous growth experience for me. Even though I was able to get through the majority of the social anxiety issues, i was still fairly introverted. Additionally, i still had a huge problem hurting or inconveniencing people for my own self satisfaction and fulfilment. Breaking up with ben (or even telling him i was thinking about it), i felt, would deeply hurt him. However, he had to know this was coming- but he was probably typically oblivious. There were so many conversation when ben asked if i was thinking of breaking up with him. I should have said "yes" many, many times before and avoided delaying this gruesome experience.

However, the past is the past. I must move on. I can't dwell on what i did or didn't do. I can only remember the mistakes made and learn from them. Ben is moving forward, purchasing a condo. I'm elated to see him happy for a change- excited to move into his new place, all his to do with as he sees fit. I hope he will enjoy his newly gained independence as much as I will mine. I hope he can find love and someone who can appreciate him for who he is.

Looking back, I think the relationship we had was like an analogy made by the realtor who helped ben and i buy our house "You can paint walls, change carpet, replace an appliance and make it your home; those are little details you can work on. However, if you have to move walls to make it your home, it's probably not for you."

I came to realize, that for me to be happy with ben, i would have to knock down a support wall and change the essence of who he is.